ATTENTION CHRISTMAS VISITORS

Yes, we did eat all of those pies.

VERY IMPORTANT STEWART CHRISTMAS MEMO

This just in - I am going to the grocery store tomorrow (Wednesday).

Q: Why is this important?

A: Because many of you will be joining the Walnutian Stewarts this weekend and I am hoping to not return to the grocery store until possibly Monday at the earliest.

That means - if you have any special food requests, now is the time to make them. I know that between the 16 of us we drink approximately 47 different kinds of milk. I can't keep track of them all so please let me know what you need. We will of course do more extensive Christmas-type food shopping next week, but if your kids love mini-wheats or you can't live without TGIF potato skins for two days (I know I can't), please leave a comment or put in a call before tomorrow afternoon.

29. . .so far not so hot

So, I've been 29 for a week now. And I have to say 29 isn't looking so good for me. And it isn't because I am still unmarried and childless. Although birthdays have become unpleasant reminders of that fact somehow. But I love birthdays so I try to have my nervous breakdown the week before my birthday so I can enjoy the day itself.
But putting the whole "old maid" thing aside, the first week of my 29ness is scaring me. My plans for the week included breaking in my new bike (thanks Dad!), doing some Christmas shopping at Disneyland, and my regular workweek. But the big 29 had other plans. The week started off rainy which meant no bike ride for me. And then I came down with the flu. Being sick is kind of almost fun normally because it means some time off from work and lots of naps and reading. But being home alone and sick is totally lame. After four days with only dogs for company I was praying I would feel well enough to go back to work just to get out of the house and talk to humans. Talking to myself and the dogs can only go so far.
Well, I'm feeling much better now and looking forward to finally getting out on my bike tomorrow. Which is good, because my car is broken and my bike may soon become my primary means of transportation. I don't know what's wrong with my car, but in layman's terms the lights and radio work but nothing else does. So if you know someone who is in the market for a metal, outdoor radio listening box please pass along my number.
I can't wait to see what week two of my 29th year will bring!

p.s. Thank you for all of the birthday cards, gifts, and phone calls. And especially the wonderful birthday dinner with Mom, Dad, Brandon and Chelsea. I felt very loved.

Lopsided

I just realized that I am the guy from "Lady in the Water" who only works out half of his body.
My left arm has somehow become my load-bearing arm. I only realized this after straining my left wrist last week. Because I'm right-handed, I usually hold a pen, clipboard, or scanner gun in my right hand while using my left to carry or move the books around. Hence the strain to my left wrist.
So after two years of using my right arm primarily as a clipboard holder, it has apparently become totally atrophied. I only realized this after I strained my left wrist. Mom kindly lent me her wrist brace which really helps, mostly because it is a blatant reminder not to use my left wrist, but also because it keeps my wrist from twisting.
I headed off to work yesterday determined to baby my wrist so it would have a chance to get better. I was successful and my wrist feels much better today. The only problem is that now I can't raise my right arm above my head without wincing. I unfortunately chose the first day of our Thanksgiving sale to break in my pitiful right arm and am now suffering the consequences. So this Thanksgiving I am thankful for Advil and hot baths.
The moral of the story: Just because your right hand might be more skilled in the dexterity department doesn't mean it should get out of doing its share of the heavy lifting.

Borders Zone 8

5 Questions I Don't Ever Want to Hear Again

1. Q: Do you work here?
A: No, I stole this Borders nametag and radio and I come in and organize their books for fun every day.

2. Q: Are you guys out of Eclipse in paperback?
A: No, it isn't out in paperback yet.

3. Q: Do you have any more copies of Breaking Dawn in paperback?
A: No, it isn't out in paperback yet.

4. Q: Can I speak to a manager?
A: I am a manager. (evil laugh)

5. Q: (from employees) Can I take a ten?
A: Of course. But how in the world are we supposed to get anything done when everyone is always taking tens?

Borders Zone 7

#7 The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly (you decide which is which)


I know what you're thinking. "Where in the world has the 'Borders Zone' been? Do you still work there Lindsay? Have customers stopped doing crazy things?" The answers are - can't a gal take a blogging break, yes, and of course not. So here are a few funny tidbits to catch you up on life at Borders.

So this morning one of the other supervisors tells me she saw our boss in the newspaper. I responded, "Oh yeah, what was she in the paper for?" Even though I already had a pretty good idea. The other supervisor responded, "She was at one of those Prop. 8 protests over the weekend." Blech!

Then this afternoon I rolled up the back door onto the loading dock to take out some trash only to catch a dog lifting its leg about to urinate on our loading dock. Luckily the clanking of our metal rolling door scared the beast and it lowered its leg. I proceeded to take out some boxes and the dog's owner (an elderly gentleman) decided to strike up a conversation.
Man: Hello there.
Me (in my head): What the heck! What in the world are you doing bringing your dog around to our loading dock to go pee! Also - (light bulb over my head) so that's why it smells like pee back here sometimes, and we've been blaming it on the homeless.
Man, again: You've got some really nice bookcases sitting out back here. Are you throwing those away?
Me: Yes. (I continue taking tons of trash out while the man and beast watch.)
Man: Have you called any of the local schools to see if they want them? I'm sure they'd want them.
Me with a forced smile: I'm sure we haven't. (In my head - Like we have time to sit around and call schools, we don't even have enough payroll to keep our books alphabetized. Why don't you load up these bookcases and spend your afternoon searching for a new home for them if you are so concerned?)
Man gives me stern look of disapproval.
I roll the door back down.
End Scene

Last week I knocked over about thirty books I was wheeling around the store. Before I could recover from my shock, a nice young man who was talking on his cell phone veered over and started picking up my books. He continued his conversation, rapidly helped me pick up all my books, waved away my thanks, and continued on his merry way. What a customer! I've actually had other customers make a comment about mistreating books when I've accidentally dropped something. It was nice to be treated as a fellow human being and given some help.

the most wonderful time of the year

...time to decorate the tree,

wear cute pajamas,open presents,
and eat good food with the fam!

BUT...

before the fun can get started we must perform the all important ritual of making Christmas lists (and b-day lists - Brandon and Lindsay). If you are in the habit of buying something when you want it (Dad and Mom) please stop now and instead write those (reasonably priced) items down on a list and email them to the family.

Word on the street is that some of you are being practical and trying to save up for some big ticket items like computers and cameras. That is cool. I don't mind giving you a gift card or some cold, hard cash if that will make you happy. A memo also went out that Santa's favorite store this year is Emergency Essentials, so make sure to let him know how good you've been and how much you don't want to starve now that the liberals have taken over. There's nothing like a bucket of MREs under the tree to warm the cockles of my heart come Christmas morning.

In all seriousness though, I like to have my Christmas shopping done before things get crazy people! And that means starting now. So let's start working on those lists. Love you all and can't wait to see you at Christmas.

Happy Birthday Joshua!

This picture is from Thanksgiving just a few weeks after little Josh was born. He was just about small enough to fit on the turkey platter. Josh has always been easy to love. Maybe because he looks like a Stewart baby with his pale skin and red hair curling around his ears. Or maybe just because he is such a sweetie! His little smile just melts my heart. He is such a big boy now - learning to take care of his little sister and go to school everyday. I love you Josh! Happy 3rd Birthday!

Ahhh...vacation finally

So I finally made it on my vacation up here in Utah. Since I work in retail I can't use my vacation days during the normal holiday season so this year I planned ahead to take my vacation before the holiday madness really starts and I can't get away.

Here are some highlights so far:

- Jonnie grabbing the back of my head and trying to give me an open mouth kiss. Michael had to give the boys a little talk about appropriate kissing.

- Lindsay has drawn me enough pictures to wallpaper my room already. I am saving them all to bring home with me.

- Here's a conversation I had with Evan at church:

Evan: How old are you?
Me: 28
Evan: Wow you're as old as Grams!
Me: No I'm not.
Evan: Its okay you have nicer hair.

- Evan's new favorite adjective - Super-dee-duper-dee!

- I've had two nice naps in the last two days! (No Mom that isn't the norm for me.)

Mom sent up some new clothes for the kids. The outfits were big hits all around.

The girls in their new outfits before church. They were the best dressed girls at church on Sunday. Laurel wanted to keep her outfit on all day but we talked her into changing while she ate lunch and had quiet time. They did put their dresses back on for dinner that night.


The boys put on their new outfits after church for dinner with the Higbee relatives. Jonnie loved his new clothes so much Heather had to let him sleep in the shirt. The next morning he threw a huge temper tantrum when it was time to change his clothes. He had to go to timeout for awhile. As soon as he got out of timeout he asked Heather if his clothes were washed yet. I think Grams did a little too good of a job this time.

Riddle Me This

Q: What is a definite sign you should call in sick?

A: When a bird poops on your face when you are walking across the parking lot to work.

True story. When I was walking into work yesterday I felt something wet hit my face. I looked up to see if it was raining and simultaneously wiped my face with the back of my hand. To my dismay I saw a smear of bird poo on my hand instead of rain clouds in the sky. I hurried into the store to wash off my hand and cheek. Even though my soul was filled with horror I went ahead and clocked in. My night went downhill from there. Here are some highlights.

-I started to get a cold and my voice grew gradually deeper all night.

-When I got back from by break a customer yelled at me because the bathrooms were disgusting. I was surprised because I had just used the bathroom at the beginning of my break and it had been fine then. When I went to see what the problem was I discovered that someone had knocked over the trashcan and thrown their poopy toilet paper on the ground instead of in the toilet. Who got to clean it all up? If you're guessing someone other than me you are totally wrong.

-We were super busy because we had a big sale, but the managers neglected to schedule anyone extra from 8:00 pm on so the customers were a little angry with (you guessed it again) me.

I also got some bad news about our holiday prep but that mainly just upset my mood and didn't involve anyone yelling at me. The moral of the story - if a bird (or anything else for that matter) poops on you on your way to work, turn around and go home. Even if the closest sink is at work.

Ahh...there's nothing like the horror surrounding the yearly physical. In a good year, only one person sees me without my clothes on but I'm not sure if that makes the experience better or worse. I showed up early for my appointment and was surprised by how empty the parking lot and waiting room were. This tragically raised my hopes that I might be out of there within the hour. After filling out a few forms and being weighed (I always want to take off my shoes but don't want them to think I care too much about my weight) I was ushered into the exam room.

The nurse took my blood pressure and temperature and them left me to undress. I was confronted with two squares of paper towel like fabric. I unfolded the first one but it was just a sheet. I tried to fold it back up but origami was never my strong suit. The second sweat was the gown. I slipped it on and felt like I was wearing a giant paper towel. The paper towel came with a narrow ribbon of plastic. I can never figure out what do with the plastic. Is it supposed to be a belt? I had no idea so I just threw it away. Then I faced my next challenge - where to sit and wait.

My doctor usually makes me wait for a long time in the exam room so I've learned not to wait for her on the exam table. That table is a medieval torture device even if you're just sitting on it for half an hour. I usually sit in one of the chairs and read until the doctor comes in and then move to the torture table. But sitting on a chair in my giant paper towel didn't seem like the most sanitary idea. But should I read my book while sitting on the table? What would I do with my book when the doctor came in? Casually throw it at my purse and clothing sitting across the room on one of the chairs? This seemed like a bad idea so I went ahead and sat on the table without the benefit of reading material.

Without anything to read I began looking around the room for something to occupy my interest. Unfortunately I'd already read each and every sign hundreds of times on past visits. There they all were - the notice about the Tdap vaccine, another about the costs and time lines for filling out forms, and a bilingual notice (my personal favorite) advising patients when to expect results from lab tests. As the minutes dragged on the nature of my brain caused me to obsessively read the posted notices over and over again. Should I tell Dr. Lawson there was a mistake in the bilingual sign and that the mistake was repeated in all of her exam rooms? I debate that one every time I go to the doctor.

As the minutes dragged on (not that I could tell because there wasn't a clock in the room) I found myself repeating a strange word over and over in my head. "Sphygmomanometer, sphygmanometer, sphygnomanometer, sphymonomanomentemeter, sphygono-, sphygmo-, sphygma-...," I didn't even know how to say the word but I couldn't get it out of my head. I glanced around the room trying to figure out where I had read the word but couldn't find it anywhere. Was I going crazy? The instruments hanging on my right caught my attention next. I badly wanted to play with them. Sometimes I give in and take a gander through the eye and mouth looker thing, I just can't help myself. But I managed to restrain myself this time. Then I saw it, the magic word, sphygmomanometer. It was on the blood pressure cuff machine thingy. A small measure of relief from my torture.

While all of this was going on Dr. Lawson continued to play her waiting games with me. I kept hearing her voice out in the hallway. My spirits and nerves spiked with the hope that she might be finally getting to me. Dr. Lawson always shakes my hand when she comes in so every time I heard her coming I had to wipe my sweaty hands on my paper towel dress. My gown was rapidly transforming into a wet and wrinkled paper towel dress. I held on to the hope that it was made from Brawny paper towels and not the cheap generic kind that might fall apart by the time the doctor showed up.

I'd just about decided to lie down and take a nap when the doctor finally came in. Don't worry, this story has a happy ending. Dr. Lawson quickly put me at my ease and the exam proceeded without too much further embarrassment. And it only took an hour and half. Now I have a whole year to recover.

Dad or Ryan?

When I went up to Utah to drop off Ryan he left me at Heather's house while he went for a bike ride. He looked so much like Dad it was eerie.

Hey Slackers!

And by slackers I mean you! (Brandon, Chelsea, Mom, and Ryan that is) It is time to update your blogs. Don't tell me you don't have anything to write about. All I do is work, eat, and sleep and I manage to post at least a few times a month and you all have much more exciting things going on in your lives. You have all told me about things you have enjoyed reading on Megan's and Heather's blogs. I'm sure they would enjoy hearing updates on what you are doing. Here are some suggestions in case you are stuck for ideas.

Mom - your new computer, fun w/family history, upcoming trips, updates on the Pattons, your wonderful daughter Lindsay

Brandon & Chelsea - update on Chelsea going back to school, job search update for Brandon, progress on the Angels season for those of us who care but not enough to actually watch the games, recent Midway Mania high scores, your wonderful sister Lindsay

Ryan - back to school update, new ward/apartment/school schedule, dating life or lack thereof, recent video game addictions, and again your wonderful sister Lindsay

I want to see a new post from each of you by the end of the week, or else!

Underwear

Don't worry, this post isn't about my underwear. My underwear is pretty boring although I've had lengthy conversations about underwear, especially once I started wearing garments. The pros and cons of various styles and fabric types can make for some great conversation material. I forgot I had these little videos of Jonnie. The kids taught Jonnie to say underwear and it quickly became his favorite word because the kids would crack up every time he said it.

Notice I asked him who loved him and his first response was underwear. My intention was not to capture this particular developmental phase on camera.

In case you couldn't tell that is a pack of diapers he is beating with my camera case. I think someone might be trying to say he's ready for toilet training. Hint, hint Heather!

Borders Zone - 6

#6 Those Crazy Customers

Warning! If you already think I am too bitter you shouldn't read the following post.

Here are a few funny tidbits from my interactions with our crazy customers.

Tonight I was pulling books from some really tall bookshelves. I was using a stool to help me reach the top two shelves. A customer interrupted me and asked if she could borrow my stool. Assuming she needed my stool to reach a book I gladly surrendered my stool. I kept working, pulling books from the lower shelves that I could reach, but soon I needed to work on the upper shelves again. I looked around for the lady but she was nowhere to be found. It was about time for my lunch break anyways so I headed back to the warehouse to put my books away. On my way to the back I happened upon my stool. The stool requisitioner was sitting on it while she leisurely perused the mystery thriller section (whose shelves are only about 5' tall). I guess she needed to sit down while she browsed.

A couple of days ago I helped a customer find a couple of books. This involved walking her to two different sections, finding the books, and placing them in her hands. Pretty much standard procedure. The customer was extremely grateful and gushed, "Wow! What great service! You should really be tipped for giving such great service." I briefly considered holding out my palm and giving her the chance to put the money where her mouth was, but instead I just smiled. The lady awkwardly thanked me again and walked away. I don't think she realized what she was saying.

And finally, there is the mystery of customer-employee identification. For some reason our customers have a really hard time telling who the employees at our store are. Granted, we don't wear uniforms so that makes it a little hard to tell who the employees are. But we do wear large name tags hanging on Borders lanyards around our necks. We also all wear radios at our waists with a cord leading from the radio up to an earpiece. This hardware really stands out. But still I get asked several times a day, "Do you work here?" I've been asked this while carrying boxes, pushing a dolly, pushing a library cart full of books, and while on the phone at the customer service desk. Why in the world would I be doing any of these things if I wasn't an employee? Do they think I might be a rogue customer on the run with a cart full of books? A girl I work with named Janeen thinks that customers might just be using the question as an icebreaker before asking for help. But that theory doesn't hold water for me. Or at least I don't ask employees at other stores if they are employees before asking for help. It has become a standing joke at our store.
A couple of weeks ago I had the following shocking experience. I was working in the music area when a lady approached me and asked, "Do you work here?" She then laughed and said, "Well of course you do, you're wearing a nametag and you're moving all those CDs around." I wanted to hug her. I thought that might have scared her so instead I just helped her find her book. I guess we need to get some uniforms at our store.

RIP Heather's G-Bladder

Oh Heather's gallbladder.
We will miss both you and your bile.
You put in 31 good years helping Heather digest fatty foods.
Without you Heather could not have enjoyed so many french fries and ice cream sundaes.
Now that you have been cruelly thrust from Heather's body you will always have a place on our mantel in a mini-urn next to Mom's left you-know-what.
Rest in peace little g-bladder.

Seriously, I'm glad our family members generally enjoy such good health but I hope losing body parts isn't one of those things that comes in threes. We better all stay on our toes or maybe I should say keep on our toes. Mom talked to Heather today and she is doing just fine. Hopefully she will feel better now that her pesky gallbladder has been removed. We love you Heather!

Borders Zone - 5

#5 Bathroom Etiquette

Unless, it's a family member in the stall next to me I don't like to talk to people while I'm using a public restroom. There are a few exceptions. The horrible, "Can you hand me some toilet paper?" and the awkward, "Ma'am, I'd appreciate it if your son could stay in your stall." Basically, conversations originating from within the bathroom stall should be saved for emergency situations.

But sometimes when I'm using the bathroom at work I hear this clank, clank noise coming from the sink area. It is the noise of someone trying to figure out how to dry their hands. You see we don't have paper towels at Borders. We have an automatic hand dryer. You just hold your hands under the dryer and it pops on. It is a fancy hand dryer; there is a rotating metal part where the air comes out which you can tilt upwards in case you need to dry your hair or face. But this fancy hand dryer confuses some customers. They want to push an "on" button and they bang on the tilting metal part thinking it might turn the dryer on.

Here is where my quandary comes in. These customers who can't figure out how to use the hand dryer usually leave the bathroom angry and sometimes want to complain to a manager. They leave with a negative opinion of our store. Just today as I was using the bathroom I heard a lady banging on the dryer and then cursing Borders. Should my duty to the company's reputation outweigh my reluctance to talk while conducting my personal business? And would the customer be more freaked out by my ghostly voice rising from the stall and echoing off the bathroom tiles than having to leave the bathroom with wet hands?

p.s. The dryer has a label right on top that says, "This is an automatic hand dryer"

Adventures in Swimming

Here is Laurel doing a bellyflop. She is a great swimmer and diver, but I think with the camera rolling she got a little nervous. Like the wicked auntie I am you can hear me laughing super hard in the background. When I ask her if she's okay she says, "I'm kind of sore."

Jonathan was a little nervous in the pool at first but by the end of the week he was paddling around by himself with a life jacket. He kept saying over and over, "I'm swimming! I'm swimming!" I also heard him say a couple of times, "I'm not drowning!" I don't think anyone was more thrilled than Heather that Jonnie could be in the pool without her. The kids wanted to swim all day and Heather was happy to watch them from outside the pool for once.

Here is a good one of Laurel diving. I don't want you to think she just bellyflops all the time. By the end of the week she was diving really well. Notice the way she enunciates torpedo.

And finally here is Lindsay. She is learning how to dive and working on her freestyle.

Borders Zone - 4

#4 Because We Care

Today a bunch of us were in the back working in the warehouse. Bob (the one who moves things around at Target) was sorting the new books and he said, "Hey guys, I found a good one." Then he read the title of the book he was holding "Pretending You Care: The Retail Employee Handbook ." Then someone said, "You mean the Borders Employee Handbook." We all started snickering and then just busted up laughing.

I think it is just strange as a human being to put in a situation where you are required to care about 100% of the people you come in contact with (that includes listening to strangers discuss their gifted grandchildren, strange illnesses, diet failures and successes, problems with their child's teachers, dating problems, and political/religious views). So in the retail world some pretending is required. I suppose it is good practice for trying to become more Christlike. But until I'm perfect maybe I should pick up a copy of that book to help me get through the customer service part of my job.

Earthquake Update

Lusita filled me on the details of the earthquake we had last week since she was the only one who was at our house to experience it firsthand. As we suspected quite a few things did fall down but thankfully Lusita was there to pick things up for us. A bunch of the paper goods in the garage fell off the shelves. One of the rods in Mom and Dad's closet fell down with all of the clothes on it. And the ironing board fell over. Lusita said the spa looked like it was boiling and a lot of the water sloshed into the pool.

Lusita had the back door open for the dogs and when the shaking started they all raced outside. But then they came running back in and were whining at Lusita trying to get her to come outside. She said it was really cute.

So anyways, everyone was calling me last week to see what happened with the earthquake so now you know.

Weekend of Wonder

This was a great weekend. Here are a few highlights.

1. Chick-fil-a opened on Friday and I made sure to stop by on my way home from work to support them on their opening day. I consider it a small miracle that they finally put my favorite fast food place so amazingly close to my house. Yeah Chick-fil-a! Long live chicken nuggets, waffle fries, and fresh lemonade!

2. Breaking Dawn finally came out! I finished the book Sunday night and I thoroughly enjoyed it. Brandon, Chelsea and I went to the party at my store to pick up our books at midnight. We got to jump the line since I'm an employee. I think Brandon was a little overwhelmed by all of the estrogen in the store. Thank goodness Stephenie finally wrapped things up, I mean what does a girl have to do to get herself turned into a vampire these days? I think it was easier in the old days. The other good thing about Breaking Dawn being out is that it makes work less stressful. By the time one of these big books comes out it is almost hard to be excited about it. This one was way better than Harry Potter 7. Maybe because there weren't little kids involved.

3. I got my hair cut and highlighted on Saturday. Now my graying hairs just blend in with the highlights. (And yes Mom, I do have gray hairs even if you can't see them.) My gray hair was really bugging me so I am jazzed. I was going to get my hair cut real short but I chickened out. Maybe next time.

4. Brandon and Chelsea came over to hang out with me. I love hanging out with those guys so I am always excited when they come over. We had pizza and watched 27 Dresses. Brandon left me a bunch of movies to watch so I am having fun catching up on the movies I have missed this year.

5. Mom will be home in less than a week and she's bringing Heather and the kids back with her. Mom and I have lots of fun hanging out and running errands together. I really missed her last week so I am glad that there is less than a week left now.

Borders Zone - 3

#3 Tapping at my Chamber Door





While I nodded, nearly napping, suddenly there came a tapping,

As of some one gently rapping, rapping at my chamber door

-The Raven, Edgar Allan Poe

At my store we have a beautiful customer service desk located in the center of the store. There is a large sign that reads "CUSTOMER SERVICES" in bold letters hanging from the ceiling. The desk is staffed all day by booksellers who are specifically assigned to help customers. It's a good system.

I like helping customers (believe it or not Mom). Just today I was assigned to the customer service desk for a couple of hours. I helped a man find a birthday present for his wife, discussed Raymond Chandler with his biggest fan, and spoke to literally hundreds of women (and one man) who are really excited about the Breaking Dawn party on Friday night. Overall it was fun. Like I said, I like helping people find books. Most of the time it is like getting paid to talk about one of my favorite subjects.

However, helping customers is not my primary job description. I am the Inventory Supervisor and the majority of my job occurs off the salesfloor. My desk is in the warehouse at the back of the store. You can usually find me sweating it out in the warehouse trying to keep all of the products we sell moving smoothly in and out of the store.

Near my desk in the warehouse there is a swinging door with a small window. The purpose of the window is to keep employees from crashing into each other as they come and go through the warehouse. This window is especially important since employees headed in or out of the warehouse are usually in a hurry and often carrying or pushing heavy items.

Lately customers have taken to using this window for a totally different (and unintended) purpose. If you are a customer and you are wondering, "Hmmm, I wonder what is behind this 'employees only' door," and you happen to look through the window your immediate view will be me working. Now keep in mind that I said "working." You will see me a)carrying a heavy box b)working on a report on my computer c)carrying books back and forth to various locations in the warehouse d)moving large pallets around with a pallet jack, etc. The one thing I will not be doing is standing idly in front of the door, with a smile on my face, hoping a customer will tap on the window and ask for my help.

And yet that is what customers have been doing lately. Just last night as I was working I heard a tap, tap, tapping on the window in the door. I can assure you that I responded to the tapping with no less dread than Poe's protaganist did the tapping on his window in "The Raven." I looked up to see a woman smiling at me through the window. Did the woman's eyes have a fiendish glint and her smile a sardonic twist? I say yes. For surely it was a conscious decision on her part to pass up the customer service desk and come tapping at my window. I of course helped the woman because I do after all work in retail.

Other employees have also been plagued by this new tapping trend. We cannot cover the window lest we begin to see library cart pile-ups and customers crushed by box-laden dollies reported in the local news. So there is nothing to do but smile until customers no longer feel entitled to disturb employee only areas rather than walk a few feet to the beautiful customer service desk specifically designed to meet their needs.

The Borders Zone - 2

#2 The Air Conditioning Bandit

So my boss L (yes she goes by L, just like Bond's helper Q) is all about customer service. According to her the customer is always right even if they are crazy and yelled at you. I have never seen her lose patience with a customer. That's why she is the boss.

A couple months ago I got a call that a customer wanted to talk to the manager. I immediately groaned because 99 times out of 100 customers want to talk to the manager because they have a complaint. So I headed out to the sales floor where a tall, lanky guy wearing a long sleeve shirt and shorts was waiting for me. He complained that the cafe was too cold. I told him we didn't control the air conditioning but that I would email my manager about the problem.

Several weeks later we had a big problem in the cafe. The temperature control panel for the cafe storage area had been turned to warm and all of the chocolate had melted. We're talking $300-400 loss. A couple of the refrigerators almost overheated as well. Now the temperature panel happens to be located on the sales floor way up high on a pillar right in front of the cafe. We decided to keep an eye out for tall people hanging out near that pillar.

A couple of weeks later one of the cafe girls called me on the radio to let me know that a customer had just reached up and switched the temperature on that same control panel. I headed over to the cafe and lo and behold it was the tall, lanky guy wearing the same long sleeve shirt and shorts. He had apparently decided to take temperature matters into his own hands. He was sitting down in the midst of all of the other cafe customers and I didn't want to make a scene so I very pointedly pulled a stool over from the cafe and switched the panel back to cool. I was working nearby on the magazines so I kept an eye on him for the rest of the night, but he just coolly read some magazines he hadn't paid for while drinking a glass of ice water from the cafe (also not paid for).

Another night before closing we found the temperature switched over to warm and I recalled that the long sleeve/shorts wearing guy had been there that night. The Air Conditioning Bandit had struck again! Now you may be asking yourself, "Lindsay why didn't you just go talk to this guy and tell him to cut it out?" The answer is that my boss L tends not to back us up in customer confrontations so it's best to avoid them.

Yesterday we decided to cover the temperature switch with duct tape so that it would be harder to move. Then tonight the AC Bandit showed up again (and yes he was wearing long sleeves and shorts). He got his free water and magazines and sat down. I prepared myself for some fireworks.

About half an hour later, L and I were in the office when a bookseller radioed in that a customer wanted to speak to the manager. I stuck my head out and saw that it was the AC Bandit. I asked L if she wanted to talk to him and she said, "I hate that guy. He just sits over there and drinks his free water and ruins our chocolate." This was very out of character for L, but as I mentioned in a previous post this is a stressful time for Borders.

I got distracted with some other stuff but later that night I ran into L and asked how things went with the AC Bandit. She recounted the following conversation with some laughs and embarassment:

L - Yes? (She would normally have sweetly said, "How can I help you?")
ACB - Do you control the overhead play?
L - No we don't. You just need to wear a sweater if you're cold.
ACB - I don't think you understood me. I was wondering if you control the music that is playing. We're in California not Texas and I can't stand this country music playing.
L - Oh...I'll change the song.

L told me she had no idea what came over her and that she had never talked that way to a customer before but she just kept thinking about all of that ruined chocolate. I told her the guy is clearly just a whiner and since he never spends any money anyways she shouldn't worry about it. But that AC Bandit better watch out because there is a new sheriff in town and her name is L (it's really Lorinda, but don't tell her I told you).

The Borders Zone - 1

Per Megan's request here is the first installment of "The Borders Zone" featuring crazy retail moments from my life. I think the hard thing about this series will be which crazy experience to choose. There are just so many. So here goes.

#1 Retail Therapy

Bob is in charge of the bargain books at out store. He is retired from the military and works part-time putting out the bargain books and sorting the new books that come into the store. He is a really easy going guy who rarely complains and actually likes working on Bargain which makes him really rare at our store.
A few days ago we were back in the warehouse sorting the new books that had just arrived and the subject came up of how customers can never put things back in the right spot. If you have two piles of books one of our customers would pick up the book and then set it back down on the wrong pile. I think it is an Orange County thing. The people just feel entitled. Normally this isn't a big deal but our payroll has been cut by 20-30% since last year and our staff is stretched really thin right now.
Then Bob shared how he deals with his stress. He said that when he goes to Target he purposefully leaves things in the wrong department. His example was leaving a jug of milk with the patio furniture. We all busted up laughing. I can just imagine Bob walking around Target leaving random items all over the store. He did say that he is thinking about switching from Target to Mervyns since according to Bob, "Mervyns is hell for men." I told him it might not be so satisfying since Mervyns is always messy already. So if you see a guy dropping off a hammer with the shampoo it might just be Bob getting a little retail therapy.

Tales from a Singles Ward - 1

Most of you have passed on from the hallowed halls of the Singles Ward. Amusing things often happen in my ward so I thought I would start this series to keep you all updated on the laughs and trials of being a 28 year old single gal. I can't remember who I was telling about the snoring dog in my ward, so sorry if this is a repeat.

Several months ago I was sitting in sacrament meeting when I suddenly heard loud snoring. My first glance was toward the stand, but amazingly enough everyone in the bishopric was awake. The snoring continued but I couldn't figure out who had fallen asleep and why no one was giving them the elbow to wake them up. This wasn't just quiet, wheezing snoring either. This was deep, soulful snoring that bounced off the carefully aligned acoustics of the chapel.

The snoring continued later that day in Relief Society to my surprise. Surely a noise that loud had to come from a man and not one of the girls in our Relief Society. After looking around the classroom I figured out that it was a dog snoring. A new girl in our ward was training a guide dog and it was the dog that was snoring. Why did she allow her dog to snore through church? It remains a mystery to this day. Meanwhile our ward has grown accustomed to loud snoring through our church meetings.

Today the stake presidency came to our sacrament meeting to put a counselor in our bishopric. The meeting progressed as usual until about half an hour into the talks. Then the snoring started. It was hilarious to see the stake presidency's reactions. Everyone around me was having trouble not giggling. You could just see the confusion on their faces as they looked around the chapel and tried to figure out where the snoring was coming from. One of the counselors is kind of a funny guy and he was clearly having a hard time keeping a straight face. The girl with the dog just sat there like nothing was happening. I just don't get it.

That Disney Wonderful Feeling

I've been meaning to post this one for awhile, but I forgot I had downloaded the picture. This is a shot of me and Jane on Buzz Lightyear. I am clearly spanking Jane as far as points go but let's not hold that against her since she is only five months old. If you are having trouble spotting Jane in the picture she is sitting on my lap and you can just see the top of her little red head. She just sat quietly on my lap throughout the ride, totally entranced by all of the flashing lights and bright colors. Jane is the sweetest little baby around. She is remarkably pleasant.

We actually ended up having a really nice time at Disneyland. It was much less hot and crowded than Mom and I predicted. I have no idea how many times I've been to Disneyland over the years, but I still find out something new everytime I go. This time we discovered that there is a baby changing place, the Plaza Inn has really good dinners in addition to fun character breakfasts, and Jason hates fun. Just kidding Jason, sort of. Brandon and Chelsea came and joined us in the afternoon and we even ended up staying to watch the fireworks. I love going to Disneyland, especially with the family. I like Mom's style - emphasis on good food and shopping with a few rides thrown in. Hopefully I'll be able to sneak a few more trips in before my pass expires.

Freaky Bugs on the Ceiling

Don't you just hate it when you are about to fall asleep and you notice a weird bug on the ceiling? For the last two nights there was a weird spider hanging out above my bookcase and then this afternoon the spider was replaced by this skinny fellow above the dresser. "What happened to the spider?" you might ask. I don't know. But I can tell you one thing, I'm not gonna go looking for him.

Shot Myself in the Foot

Mom likes to use the expression "shooting yourself in the foot" when one of us kids screws up. According to UsingEnglish.com, if you shoot yourself in the foot, you do something that damages your ambition, career, etc.

Since high school I have unfortunately shot myself in the foot many times. It's a wonder that there is anything left to shoot at all and that I am not just hobbling around on crutches these days. Why do I get myself into these situations? It is usually some combination of mental illness, denial, procrastination, and just plain laziness. As the middle child of a large family I usually try not to rock the boat, for my own peace of mind and my family's. But sometimes keeping your problems to yourself just leads to a larger and more distressing problem in the future.

Mom actually took this one surprisingly calmly. Perhaps as an answer to my prayers or perhaps she is just used to my self-target practice and expects me to trip myself up. Probably some combination of the two. Megan and Jason surmised that I was no longer in summer school while they were here and suggested fabricating an even worse scenario. Jason suggested hiding "empties" under my bed for Lusita to find. I guess the idea is that even "academic disqualification" doesn't sound so bad next to "secret alcohol problem."

So please keep me in your prayers as I try to get back into school and pick up the pieces yet again. Look on the bright side, one of these days I'll have to either run out of bullets or toes.

RIP Walnut Stake

Today they combined our stake with the Hacienda Heights Stake. They had a combined Stake Conference out at the Hacienda Heights Stake Center this morning. The cultural hall was completely full. Elder Hafen said that the decision had been made to combine the two stakes because of demographic shifts in the area. Basically both stakes were just too small. He talked about the importance of having strong stakes during these times.

I of course support the priesthood leaders in their decisions but it was still kind of sad. It was sad for Dad too because the Hacienda Heights Stake already has a patriarch so Dad has to go on inactive status. He has really enjoyed being a patriarch for the last couple of years. It is also king of sad for sentimental reasons since the Walnut Stake was my home stake and the stake that Dad was president of for so many years. Even though I once heard it referred to as the "Walnut Stank" due to our dearth of "hot" girls I always loved our stake. I probably feel especially connected to our stake because of Dad's calling. Everyone in the stake knew who we were because of Dad and I felt a responsibility to get to be friendly with the kids in the other wards because we were the Stake President's kids.

All of these changes got me thinking about past ward and stake boundary changes and how they changed my life. When I was 15 they split up the Covina Stake and put three of their wards into our stake. This turned out to be a real blessing since some of my good friends were in those wards and I might not have met them if they hadn't made that change. Here are some funny old pictures from over the years of my pals Desirae and Jennette from Covina.

This is from my 16th B-day party. Who knew this was just the beginning of a beautiful friendship? (oh the cheese)

Here we are again as Freshmen at BYU standing outside the Cannon Center.

And finally here we are our Senior year of college during Christmas Break.

So I guess the moral of my Blast from the Past photo montage is that we don't know how the Lord is going to bless us through this boundary realignment. When the Covina wards were added to our Stake back in 1995 I ended up with some great friends who were my friends through high school and college. So goodbye Walnut Stake. We will miss you.

June Gloom Can't Keep Me Down

For those of you unfamiliar with June Gloom, for some reason in June we are greeted most mornings with a thick marine layer which blocks out the sun and makes everything gloomy. Since we don't have real weather in Southern California we complain about the marine layer. But in spite of the gloomy mornings around here and starting summer school this week I am really excited that it is finally June!
There is so much happening this month. Ryan is coming home for two separate weekends. Brandon graduates on the 15th and Chelsea is throwing him a graduation party at our house the night before. I'm not sure what all the plans are but I heard there will be kabobs involved. Mom of course is using the party as an excuse to fix up the house some more and bought a new barbecue and patio furniture. Grandma and Peter will also be staying with us that weekend.
Then the next weekend Megan and Jason finally come to see us. I haven't seen those guys since last summer so I am really excited. I can't wait to see little Josh and meet Jane. Mom and I are already planning fun things to do. I believe that hostage negotiations have been successful and Jason will finally get to go to Disneyland this time even though it is June and it will be insanely crowded.
Grandma's 80th B-day is the next big event. Auntie Karen and Alissa are flying down with Grandma and Grandpa on Friday and we are having a big birthday party on Saturday. Heather and Ryan are also flying out and Heather isn't bringing the kids. I will miss the kids but it will also be nice to see Heather without them. I haven't seen her without her kids for years now and I imagine that she will be relaxed and happy without any diapers to change. Just a warning Heather - you will probably have to share a bed with me since we are going to have a full house. I hope you don't kick anymore like you did when we were little.
In all of this fun and excitement I am especially looking forward to the fact that all five of us Stewart siblings will be in the same place at once. We haven't all been together since before Ryan's mission. We had some crazy times growing up and I'm sure there will be some funny stories told. And don't worry guys we all remember, "fun chip, fun chip, fun chip, fun chip, butter toffee peanuts." We don't need to hear that one again.

Martha Stewart Weddings

For some reason I am always compelled to buy the latest issue of Martha Stewart Weddings. I held out for the last couple of months but I bought the latest issue tonight in a panic after discovering that it was being pulled from the sales floor already. Luckily it is a quarterly magazine so I don't have to go through the ordeal of purchasing a copy very often. I am always embarrassed to buy it because marriage is definitely not in my immediate future (nor has it been for the many years I have been a loyal reader). I even lied once when the salesperson asked me if I was getting married and told her I was buying it for a recently engaged friend. Oh the shame! But I just really like the magazine and they have great ideas and tips on planning a beautiful wedding. And having been raised in a "no white shoes before Easter" family I am always concerned about doing things the proper way. (Reading too much British literature at an early age might have had something to do with that too come to think of it.)
Although I feel stupid buying the magazine it is also one of the few ways that I shake my fist in the air and show that I haven't given up on getting married. It is just a small way to remind myself in the hustle and bustle of becoming an independent, single working girl that my ultimate goal is eternal marriage and a family of my own.

Yeah! I Have a Blog!

I'm excited to join this wacky world of blogging. I hesitated for a while because I don't have any cute progeny of my own to post pictures of. But with the encouragement of Megan I have decided to proceed. Thank you Megan and Jason for coming up with a name for my blog. The "LOL" idea is great since the older I get the more I find that it is best to approach life with a sense of humor. I'm leaning on everyone else in the family to create a blog too. I think I've almost convinced Mom. So, without further ado, let the blogging proceed!